A May 2004 Gallup poll asked Americans their opinion of the morality of a number of social issues. According to that poll, 60 percent found it morally acceptable for an unmarried man and woman to have consensual sex. However, only 49 percent found it morally acceptable to have a baby outside marriage. And to confuse things further, just 40 percent found it morally acceptable to have an abortion. Wow.
These statistics present quite a conundrum. Here we have a majority of people believing unmarried sex is OK, but having a baby out of wedlock isn’t. Yet obtaining an abortion is even less acceptable. So what would these people have us do? Enter into a marriage for the sake of a child because…
…because what? Here’s where the logic ceases to exist for me. How can the same people approve of the act that creates a child if they don’t approve of the existence of that child, and approve even less of the elimination of that child so as not to enter into an arrangement they find morally reprehensible? And how does marriage make any of these scenarios more acceptable?
What is it about marriage that makes that union more valuable to the majority of people than, say, my union with Wes? Is it because society assumes that the marriage commitment to remain together until death will not be broken? Half of all marriages end in divorce, so that can’t be it. Does having a marriage license make one a better parent? I don’t think I even have to answer that one.
There is always the religious answer — God wants parents to be married. But if you don’t subscribe to that dictum, then it holds no value. I think God knows if we’re doing our best to be good parents, a certified legal document doesn’t make one bit of difference when it comes down to brass tacks. Marriage is a state of the heart, the act of marrying is merely a legality. And the benefits provided by that legal union — insurance, inheritance, custody, etc. — can be effectively handled in other ways.
Is it possible that we carry with us that Puritan ethic that strives to punish those who step outside the boundaries of what’s generally considered acceptable? In this case, go ahead and have sex, but don’t you dare conceive a child. Everyone knows children are conceived only intentionally, or from sloppy birth control. If you do get pregnant, you have to marry the father, even if that’s not wise for whatever reason, because if you don’t, we’ll ostracize you. And if you abort that child for whatever reason, we’ll marginalize you even further.
The hypocrisy in these statistics creates a lose-lose situation for everyone — including the child — involved. What’s needed isn’t a moral reformation, but a reassessment of our social constructs and expectations. There is no room for punishment when it comes to having children. Millions of teens each year seek abortions because they are afraid of what their parents will say or do. Imagine what it could be like if we created a society where fear had no home when it comes to giving birth. Utopia? Perhaps. Unrealistic? Not necessarily. But I know I won’t see change like that in my lifetime. Still, it makes for a nice daydream.
I am an example of someone who had sex outside of marriage and chose to keep and raise my child out of wedlock. I made that same choice two more times without regret. And if you put my family alongside yours, you couldn’t tell the difference between them, I guarantee it. My family struggles to get out the door on time every weekday. We laugh, cry, fight, make up. We have family game and movie nights. We worship God in the way that suits us and take vacations together. We are a family in every sense of the word, and yet there’s a percentage of you who believe a piece of embossed paper would make a moral difference in how we live.
Fifty-one percent, in fact.